We went to my husband’s family reunion over the weekend and had a wonderful time. We spent nearly every waking minute laughing, joking and telling stories.

I love my husband’s family and look forward to our annual get-together.

But as wonderful as they are, my husband’s family is famous for miscommunication.

Much of the past weekend was spent sorting out a long-standing feud between an uncle and his former son-in-law and grandchildren.

The details are boring and irrelevant here, but I did observe some fundamental communication mistakes I see people make in both life and business.

• Communication happened via surrogates. The two people that should have been talking didn’t talk. Then or now. Solution? Always engage in direct and honest communication.
• Some of the parties involved didn’t pay attention to their audience. One person made an offhand remark that offended several others. Solution? Choose your words carefully and demonstrate a respectful attitude.
• There was more talking than listening. Interrupting, interjecting and formulating your next thought while someone else is talking are all no-nos. Solution? Remember that effective communication is always a two-way street.

And although the two central parties did not reconcile their differences in the least, there was definitely some bridge building that went on between the former in-law and the rest of us – thanks to a willingness to be open to hearing the other side and to let love and forgiveness reign.

Perhaps that is the greatest communication lesson of all.

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HABIT 7: SHARPEN THE SAW
Covey says “the saw” is your greatest asset. The saw is, in fact, YOU. He says that it’s necessary to take care of yourself by engaging in self-renewal in four key areas of life: physical, social/emotional, mental and spiritual. I say that when you do this, you become a better, more relaxed communicator. Creativity and energy abound and you do your best work day after day, week after week, year after year.

How to incorporate it:
When it comes to effective communication, there’s plenty you can do to sharpen the saw including these ideas: Set realistic deadlines. Pace yourself. Take frequent breaks. Engage in something other than writing for a short time. Join a mastermind group. Get an accountability partner. Read something inspiring from your swipe file. Eat well. Exercise. Pray. Take a nap. Add to or stretch your creative skills. Push yourself to try something completely new. Go on sabbatical. Whatever you do, do it to the fullest enjoyment of the moment. Covey says that when you sharpen the saw, you stay fresh and “increase your capacity to produce and handle the challenges around you.”

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HABIT 6: SYNERGIZE
Covey calls this the habit of “creative cooperation,” meaning that together, two or more people can create something far better than any individual alone could possibly create. Rarely, however, do people think about “teamwork” in the context of effective communication. Why? Because generally they’re focused on themselves. Who they are. What they have to say. Why they’re important. But the opposite couldn’t be more true. In the case of effective communication, the way to generate creative cooperation is to promote, encourage and create dialogue. Then in that dialogue a really cool dynamic occurs … a message is sent, received AND understood.

How to incorporate it:
Always engage another person in your communication effort, whether it’s an editor, proofreader, colleague or customer. Involve at least one other person in writing the copy, preparing the speech or developing the script. My work portfolio is rife with really good – yet really collaborative – work. Yes, I write well. It’s my job and I take pride in doing great work. But my work is always, always made better through the addition of another perspective. I have creative teams, clients and even family members to thank for adding a new dimension to my writing. Don’t believe me? Pick up any book, fiction or nonfiction, and read the acknowledgements. It takes a team to be a best-selling author.

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HABIT 4: THINK WIN-WIN
Covey says win-win is “a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit.” In the case of effective communication, that means keeping the other person in mind. Note that the habit says speak to the mutual benefit. That’s what writers call the “what” and the “so what.” What do you want to say? And so what does it mean to your audience?

How to incorporate it:
Communicating your point fearlessly but with consideration takes practice. Find someone you admire who does it well and become a student of their communication habits. Also, always put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Take a moment to consider an alternate angle, an unarticulated need or an opposing viewpoint. Make a list of win-win words and phrases that are mutually respectful. If you look closely you’ll see that I use words like “many” and “some” instead of “all” or “none.” Sometimes it just takes softening the tone, swapping exclusive words for inclusive ones, or leading with a more benefit-driven message.

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